I’m pretty well controlled by fear of one kind or another.
Fear of academic failure.
Fear of personal failure
Fear of isolation or loss beyond control
Every waking moment that I have to my disposal is mainly dominated by anxious thoughts and warped repetitive statements and perspectives which hold no place in my life. My existentialist, borderline dualistic approach to the obstacles and events that define my days is a double-edged sword. I am learning consistency, but it is hard to remain one way for even the shortest period of time. It seems like the only time everything was cut-and-dry black and white was when I child, when I was ignorant. I am unbelievably tired of ruining things, places, and connections that make me happy through no deliberate commitment towards such an outcome on my part. I am torn between living in the mood and brooding about how little I, and this life matters. Or at least how my perspective renders it so. You know you are thinking too hard too much when you can literally feel yourself processing every bit of information in an effort to understand the smallest shred of what is going on around you. I am not negative. I am overwhelmed. There is a definite difference between the two, and I wish it were perceived by more people. Fortunately I’m learning to escape my thoughts by keeping busy. Not just occupied but ridiculously involved in everything I do. Because I can’t handle relaxation. I can’t handle ‘idle’. Because doing nothing is the equivalent of putting my mind on a slope.
Fear of academic failure.
Fear of personal failure
Fear of isolation or loss beyond control
Every waking moment that I have to my disposal is mainly dominated by anxious thoughts and warped repetitive statements and perspectives which hold no place in my life. My existentialist, borderline dualistic approach to the obstacles and events that define my days is a double-edged sword. I am learning consistency, but it is hard to remain one way for even the shortest period of time. It seems like the only time everything was cut-and-dry black and white was when I child, when I was ignorant. I am unbelievably tired of ruining things, places, and connections that make me happy through no deliberate commitment towards such an outcome on my part. I am torn between living in the mood and brooding about how little I, and this life matters. Or at least how my perspective renders it so. You know you are thinking too hard too much when you can literally feel yourself processing every bit of information in an effort to understand the smallest shred of what is going on around you. I am not negative. I am overwhelmed. There is a definite difference between the two, and I wish it were perceived by more people. Fortunately I’m learning to escape my thoughts by keeping busy. Not just occupied but ridiculously involved in everything I do. Because I can’t handle relaxation. I can’t handle ‘idle’. Because doing nothing is the equivalent of putting my mind on a slope.
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